X-Treme Food Stamp Challenge--a dark secret

I know a lot of times I seem pretty happy and make it sound like it is easy-peasy to do what I do. but I've also not hid the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder.  Some days, the strict food budgeting and the anxiety come crashing together and I become a drained, sobbing, emotional trainwreck.   This typically happens at least once a month, but this is what set it off this time.

For breakfast, my 6 year old son decided to get himself and the 2 year old bowls of cereal (my daughter is still at her grandma's house for a few days).  He forgot to put the box of cereal away when he was done though, left it on the table and wandered off to play or watch tv or whatever.  Before I noticed this, my 2 year old decided he wanted seconds and that he was a big boy who could get it himself.  Predictable, this resulted in the entire remaining box of cereal, the last cereal we'll have in the house, dumped all over the table.  I salvaged what I could, but it still resulted in a lot of lost cereal, since a fair amount landed in bowls that had a bit of milk in them or areas of the table that had a bit of liquid, either splashes of milk or water, on it.

Eventually, I got around to making breakfast for me and my husband.  We had eggs over easy and toast made from the sandwich loaf of bread I'd made the day before.  The boys wanted some too, so that served as their lunch.

We ended up having a late lunch of leftovers.  My husband got himself some of the roast venison dinner from the other day, but rather than putting gravy on here which would have been essentially free since it was made with the pan drippings and a bit of flour and water, he put ketchup on it.  When he got the ketchup out, I noticed that nearly half of the bottle, which I had thought was still full in the pantry, was actually nearly half gone!  I started to have a panic attack.  I became convinced we were going to run short of food for the month.  I do not deal well with discovering we have far less of something than I thought we had.  Everything is on too tight of a balance for that, especially in my brain.  I eventually calmed down enough to have my lunch of some of the broccoli, cheddar, potato soup from the day before and some of the bread I'd made and get some for the 2 year old as well.  The 6 year old just wanted bread at that time, but he and the 2 year old snacked on some cheese and carrots later as well, to balance it out and turn it into a decent dinner, since that's really what it was.

While the toddler was napping a bit later, my husband wanted some ice cream.  I'm not a huge fan of plain vanilla (especially artificially flavored vanilla, which is the kind of ice cream we can sort of afford), so I made some chocolate syrup to go on top of it.  What an improvement!

Later yet, my husband got out the tortilla chips, which by this point were mostly large crumbs rather than chips, for another snack.  I asked him if he'd like me to scrounge up some salsa to go with them, since the salsa was virtually free, since I made it, and the chips were expensive (yes, when you are on a budget like $161 a month to feed 5 people, a $3 item is considered expensive).  He declined and he and the boys ate up the rest of the chips.

I lost it.  Between the tortilla chips, the ketchup, and the juice that everyone seems to think we should buy more of because we are out of it, that's about $10 worth of food.  To most people, that would be no big deal, but here, we only have $61 to last us until the 21st, so that is a huge chunk of our budget.  We were going to have to go without something if I couldn't find a better solution.  I had a huge cry over this, to the point that I made myself sick.

Finally, I gave in and took one of the Ativan that the doctor gave me at the hospital a couple weeks ago for when I was just too stressed.  Then, I went to lay down and rest for a bit until the medicine could take effect.  Eventually, I noticed I was still tired (don't know if that was from the medicine or just crying), but I was emotionally numb.  I was calmed down and could start coming up with solutions to the problem.  I started searching for ways I could replace the ketchup by making some with things I have on hand like my homecanned tomatoes rather than buying some.  I discovered that I can't make authentic tortilla chips since I have cornmeal, not masa, and probably can't turn my unground corn into masa at this point because I don't think unslaked lime (the mineral, not the fruit) probably can't be bought on food stamps, even if I can find it in a store.  I probably could make some cornmeal based chips that would still taste good and served to get the homemade salsa into mouths.

I didn't work on any felt food or any other crafty or culinary project yesterday.  I was just too drained and worn out.  Hopefully, today will be better.  Maybe I'll even make some of those chips, so I can have some chips and salsa while making even more felt food tonight.

Mental Health Monday

(Okay, I know it isn't Monday anymore, but I had originally planned on writing this for Monday, and then that stupid storm hit and preempted it. I liked the title though, so I decided to keep it.  Whatcha gonna do about it?  Oh, and be sure to scroll down to the bottom of this post even if you don't read the rest of it!  There is a cute video at the end!) 

All my life, I've battled depression, at times severe enough that I've secretly tried suicide and even was hospitalized for a few days on one occasion (which is why I hate the Facebook "game" of "You and I wake up in a psychiatric ward together.  Using just 4 words, what would you say to me?"  Been there, done that--how's that for four words?).  So now when I hit a slump, it is compounded by worries that it isn't just the blues or a minor downer day, but the start of something severe.

Since my release from the hospital and the follow-up out-patient program, I have developed some pretty effective ways to manage my depression.  Sometimes some work better than others and some days they don't really seem to work at all, but after a few days of pushing forward, I make it work, so here they are, hopefully to help someone else:

•  Do something with the kids.  They are naturally happy people and a lot of times, as long as they are behaving, their smiles and giggles can be absolutely contagious.  This one usually isn't enough to make enough of a difference on it's own, but combined with the other things, it can help.  It brings a smile to my face, even if it doesn't always reach the sadness in my heart.  There is something to be said for "faking it until you make it" though.
• Take care of myself physically.  Little to no junk food, since things like sugar can make you feel sluggish and icky, as can too much bad fat (yes, there are good fats, but deep fried crap doesn't contain them!).  Aspartame and MSG have been shown by a number of studies (that I don't feel like looking up right now, but I'm sure you can google it pretty easily, if you really want to know more) to contribute significantly to depression, so avoiding them is very helpful...if only I wasn't so addicted to diet cola!  By contrast, all natural, clean food (by clean I mean chemical free, not soap-and-water clean) makes you feel good.  Getting off your butt and exercising helps too, but I can't generally make myself exercise just to exercise when I'm feeling depressed.  Oftentimes, I can....
• Make myself do something productive that I can feel about.  A couple days ago, I had been feeling pretty low for a few days and, rather than hiding in my bed under the covers permanently like I was wanting to do, I got off my rear, went outside and got some things done.  About a week ago, that thing was pruning the lilac bush (also helped me deal with some anger I had going on that day!).  Two days ago, that was finishing getting the garden in (for May, more to do in June!) and building a brick border to keep the lawn maintenance guys that take care of the empty lot next to us from mowing or weed whacking my plants.  Yes, it was hard work.  Yes, I felt like crap doing it.  But, once I got it done, I started to feel a bit better.  And now every time I look at these accomplishments, it makes me smile a little more and I feel myself being lifted up out of that slump a little further.
• Talk to someone supportive.  I have a real trouble with this one, but it does help, when I can find someone I feel I can talk to.
• Take time for myself.  This especially works well as a preventative measure, but it can help bring me back too (although by that time, I usually feel guilty about doing something that isn't productive since I always have so many fricking things that need to get done!).  When I start to slip from doing this, that's when I start noticing problems starting to creep in. 

No, these won't work for everyone.  No, that's not all there is that can be done.  This is what works for me.  Depression is not something that you can "just snap out of" like so many people seem to think it is.  Medications can be effective for a lot of people, but I don't like how they make me feel (disconnected is probably a pretty accurate word for it).  There are some great natural supplements that can help too, but I don't remember to take them.  So this is what works for me.  It is hard work at times, but if it helps keep my family together with me in it, it's worth the work.


To make you leave this post with a smile on your face, and hopefully in your heart, here is a small demonstration of the contagious power of my baby's giggle.